If you’ve ever meandered around this blog you know I have a special place in my heart for Mormonism. Not that long ago one of my Catholic friends told me to stop with the Mormon stuff, that I made Baptismal vows, that I partake in the Eucharist, that I’ve made myself Catholic, that I made a choice when I was Confirmed and that studying Mormonism so in depth was denying my Catholicism and thus breaking my vows–heavy stuff.
She told me I had to choose one religion and stick with it. I couldn’t have it all.
Obviously I’ve entertained the idea of conversion. Even nutty people like me can’t sift through the Book of Mormon, make sense out of General Conference talks and pour over the Doctrine and Convenants and not ask “Is all this stuff true?”
Yep, I’ve taken the time and hashed it out. I’ve asked half a dozen times, was pretty content not knowing the answer and then I got a resounding “No.” And when I got my answer I knew it was the right one. It didn’t mean Mormonism was false it meant it wasn’t where I belong.
My answer was “No” because I’ve only ever been truly and deeply moved to tears at Mass, not in Sacrament Meetings or at evangelical services.
I’m at home in Catholicism. When I sit, stand and kneel, when my right knee hits the tile in genuflection, when I place my right hand under my left and receive the Body of Christ I am home. When I sing “Heaven and Earth are full of your glory…” I’m home.
But I’m also a questioner so God gave me a home and He gave me Mormonism too–the religion of questioning. I can point to passages in the Book of Mormon and say “that sounds like home to me.” I can read Our Search For Happiness and learn about the pre-mortal existence and say “that’s home.” I can fathom it and I can fathom Heavenly Parents.
I can say when God didn’t send me a divine sign when I was eight and had just received Holy Communion He was sending me on a journey. I believe God always intended me to stray. God wanted me to flirt with atheism, to feel His presence and not understand it, to dive head first into Catholicism, to get hurt and cry, to feel dishonest and then leave doctrine behind.
Heavenly Father wanted me to feel insurmountable heartache and then to kneel in prayer. To take a cue from Mormonism and really pray. To allow my heart and soul to fill to the brim with confusion.
He wanted me to get answers and more answers. To process and reflect, to accept the unanswered questions with humility and peace.
And then my Heavenly Parents lead me home, back to the faith of my forefathers. So I pray my Our Fathers, my Hail Marys, and my Glory Bes and I let God’s grace wash over me when I sit, stand and kneel, when I genuflect, put Christ in my hands and in my heart and when I cross myself and when I go about my day and then I give endless thanks, promise to work hard and ask for help and guidance all in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.